I like to think of my character playlists as soundtracks, like a movie or musical. Each song relates to a moment in the story or an experience the character is going through. Here's what I envisioned when I made this playlist:
Joan Of Arc - In This Moment
A glimpse into Voltaire's childhood. He's blamed for his father's absence, for his queerness, and neurodivergence; he's never good enough. He's frustrated that no matter what he does, or how he behaves, there's always Something he's doing wrong.
A mantra held in his later teen years, that he will take it all, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much he doesn't deserve it, because doing so is easier than continuing to fight.
"You can crucify, You can nail me to your cross, You can find me guilty for everything you've lost,"
Even though Voltaire isn't aware yet that Father Baranov is his grandfather, and that he's lost both of his children, (the eldest of which being Voltaire's own father); Father Baranov takes out all of his frustrations on Voltaire. Who is, in his opinion, a worse replacement for his own son. He is constantly haunted by how he pushed his children away, and now he is only left with this child who he believes will never be fit to be his successor.
Absolution - The Pretty Reckless
Absolution: noun,
"act of absolving; a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties."
"Time keeps rolling on, I need my absolution"
Voltaire begging and pleading to God to forgive him for whatever it is that he did to deserve the hell he is living through. The years are passing by, and yet every day feels exactly the same.
"Run boy, be a man, With legs too weak to make a stand, We're all crucified in the end,"
Father Baranov mocking Voltaire for being less than what he expects from a man, calling him weak and looking to get a reaction out of him. Reminding him that he doesn't have the guts to change anything about the way he's treated because he's too much of a pushover.
Musing about how in this life, even the best of us suffer. That living a life free from sin, is inherently a waste of time because it doesn't matter in the end anyway. We will all suffer and die, and it doesn't matter how good of a person we are during life. Father Baranov is introducing Voltaire to his personal feelings towards Catholicism; and in doing so, letting him in on the hidden business of the church.
God Help Me - Emilie Autumn
"Won't you shine in my direction and help me? Won't you lend me your protection and help me? Am I guilty or am I just waiting around, For the tide to come in, so the truth can come out?"
Voltaire is fighting with his attraction towards X. Praying to God to take this feeling away from him, to make X stop pursuing him. Even though no one has ever shown him this kind of attention before and, he hates to admit it but, it feels good. He's scared that someone will find out they're sneaking around and take this indulgence away from him.
"Throw your stones, do your damage, your worst, And your best, all the world is a judge, But that doesn't compare to what I do to myself, When you're not there, And if I had a dollar for every time, I repented the sin and commit the same crime, I'd be sitting on top of the world today,"
He believes that he'll be punished for giving in to temptation, and so he turns that fear inward and punishes himself for it before anyone else gets a chance to. Stays up worried sick in bed every night praying to god for forgiveness. Replaying in his head the way X's hands felt on his skin, the way his lips felt whispering against his ears, convincing himself he's sick for enjoying such a thing. However, despite the attempts to push the temptation away, he can never say no to X, being wanted instead of berated is too addicting.
Once A Catholic, Always A Masochist - Fangbanger
Autotheist - Baby Bugs
Jesus Forgive Me (For The Things I'm About To Say) - Concrete Blonde
House Of Wolves - My Chemical Romance
Absolution - Ghost
Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance
Interlude - My Chemical Romance
From The Pinnacle To The Pit - Ghost
Half - PVRIS
Don't Go Outside - POORSTACY
Numb - MARINA
Waiting For A Friend - The Pretty Reckless
Under The Water - The Pretty Reckless
Shampain - Marina
Bedroom Window - The Pretty Reckless
Follow Me Down - The Pretty Reckless
HEAVEN - Troye Sivan
Four Corners And Two Sides - Sleeping With Sirens
Satanized - Ghost
Going To Hell - The Pretty Reckless
Sinner - Drowning Pool
Believer - Imagine Dragons
Martyr - Depeche Mode
Nocturnal Me - Ghost
Starchild - Ghost Quartet
Used To The Darkness - Des Rocs
